What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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