JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
