I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
