I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
