Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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