Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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