she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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