Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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