My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
