i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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