How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
