if you like me you must not know who I am
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
