you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
