You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
