i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
