I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
