Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I think a kid would responsible me up
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize