my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Just high enough for therapy.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Pooping to opera.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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