Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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