There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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