I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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