you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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