how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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