I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
