I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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