This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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