Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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