Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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