good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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