Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
