Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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