is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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