Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
