Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
