so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
