i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
