I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
