I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
