a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
