I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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