somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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