She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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