watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
