I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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