you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
