Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
