Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
