he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
