apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize