i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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