Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
