Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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