i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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