well I can't set my house on fire every night
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
