He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
