I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
