My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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