dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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