That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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