I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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