Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
we're so committed to being not committed
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
