I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just forgot I was standing up.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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