I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
