Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
