Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
