New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
